With Keith Fimian and Pat Herrity going neck and neck in the 11th District, it seemed pretty unlikely that any other candidates would throw their hats into the ring for the chance to take on Nancy Pelosi’s adopted son Gerry Connolly in November. And up until this morning, I wouldn’t have believed it. But I just received an email and a face-to-face visit from the newest Republican candidate to declare in the 11th district: Howie.
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For those who may not know him, Howie has been a resident of Fairfax County for the last four years. He was born in Staunton and lived for a time in Alexandria. A lifelong Republican, he is a solid fiscal and social conservative. When I asked him who his political role model was, he didn’t hesitate to say “Ron Paul.”
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I first learned of Howie’s intention to challenge Fimian and Herrity through an email I received this morning. It read: “Dad, ken u post on too consurvitive i r runnin for conggres? Kthx.” The email was followed up by about a half a minutes worth of crying, which is the typical means by which Howie obtains his breakfast each morning.
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Following breakfast, Howie sat down with me to go over his campaign. Unhappy that neither candidate was what he considered to be a “trew catsurvitive,” and noting that continued species discrimination had left cats completely without representation in our federal government despite there being over 81,000,000 cats in the United States. With those facts in mind, Howie decided he had no other choice than to declare.
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“Cats disurve reprepreesentashun in Conggres. Not taxatshun witowt cat reprepressentatshun!” he cried. In addition to his belief in the need for feline representation in the Congress, he also highlighted his strong support for the second amendment, his efforts in support of environmental conservation, and his desire to enact comprehensive legislation allowing cats a right to choose whether to be spayed or neutered.
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Not wanting to fall down on the job as both a blogger and a law student, I asked Howie what legal precedent he would use to defend himself against the inevitable court challenges to his candidacy. Given that he is not human, I informed him he was likely barred from seeking elective office. He responded by arguing that after Citizens United, the Supreme Court had signaled its intention to protect the rights of everyone in the United States, even lifeless corporations, and he didn’t think it was that big of a stretch for the decision to encompass cats.
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When I asked him how he would approach his colleagues and opponents were he to be elected, he said that he has perfected a fool-proof way of convincing humans to do what he wants – first, he purrs and looks cute. If that fails, he bites and meows constantly. When I asked him if he honestly thought he would be able to convince people like Nancy Pelosi and Henry Waxman using those tactics, he responded “Werks on u.”
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Even as a unlikely a candidate as he is, Howie told me he is committed to working as hard as he can to bring his vision of cat representation to the Congress. It will be interesting to see how the other two campaigns react to the newest Republican to announce in the 11th.
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Apr 01st by Brian S
Cute cat! I like the bit about Citizens United establishing the precedent for non humans being treated as the equivalent of humans. There is a guy trying to get a corporation on the ballot over in Maryland using the same argument. He says, “why not cut out the middle man?”. He has a point, but those humorless election officials don’t seem to see it that way. I hope you have better luck in Virginia getting Howie on the ballot.
Man, don’t DO that! When I saw that banner at the top, I thought you were saying Howie Lind had decided “to hell with the committee chair – I want the House seat!!”
(laughing) Very cute!
Ric, c’mon – it wouldn’t be a very good April Fool’s joke if it didn’t scare somebody!
Cat’s rights are important to the Obama administration, I suspect we could find some programs for feline health in the Obamacare legislation.
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BTW, I have a 23 pound cat that is the laziest slob you have ever seen – he told me he was a Democrat the other night and I haven’t pet him since.
“trew catsurvitive,” Nice
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Lilly Kitty said that she would donate treats to Howie’s campaign. If Howie gets elected she wants to know if he will support the “Research and Development of Opposable Thumbs for Felines”?
This device might help Howie on his campaign:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I24bSteJpw
I thought the same thing Ric when I logged in first to view comments! Scary!
Just keep Howie away from Ham Sandwich.
Riley, you don’t know how right you are – Howie is addicted to ham. It’s his absolute favorite. He only gets it on Sunday, and last week he was so excited to get it he ate to fast and ralphed all over the kitchen floor.
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Honestly, I expect Fimian to call him a “hamoholic” in the inevitable attack press release they are sure to be drafting.
Based on his picture he is just another Fat Cat Republican .
He’s actually a svelt 11.5 pounds. He’s especially fluffy in that picture as it was taken last December.
I’d love to be able to use that excuse. “That’s not fat, that is fluff!”
When I call him fat, KayAnn always screams at me “He’s not fat, he’s fluffy!”
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It’s a running joke in the house.
I support Howie. In the event that things go bad, at least we know there won’t be any more hamdouts. Howie doesn’t stand for free ham, and neither do I.
I was thinking Howie Lind to …thank god you were kidding